[if lt IE 9]><img src="/static/onion/img/logo_1x.png" alt="The Onion" title="The Onion" /><![endif] [if lt IE 9]><img src="/static/onion/img/icons/weather/sun_1x.png" alt="Partly cloudy" /><![endif] Air everywhere [if lt IE 9]><img src="/static/onion/img/avclub-small_1x.png" alt="A.V. Club" title="A.V. Club" /><![endif] Follow @TheOnion Video Politics Sports Science/Tech Local Entertainment Fantasy Football More Back Video Politics Sports Business Science/Tech Entertainment Breaking News in Photos • Family • Local • ISSUE 50•35 • Sep 2, 2014 See full image Previous Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon ... The John Henry Memorial Random Article Button Home Back to Home See More > Towels Across Water Park Lounge Chairs Mark Family’s Ironclad Claim Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents BREAKING: Mrs. Nichols Also Daniel’s Mom Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Lis...